Chapter One

A BEGINNING

"I died for him. Was he the right reason why?

Michael

I walk in the Mist.

I am the Sound of the Life.

I am the Eye of the Alien Father.

I am the Breathe of the Life.

-- Prayer channeled to Michael

The tea was growing cold in his hand. Michael could feel a throbbing in his head. He wanted to push down the memories as he began an interior monologue: "I'm not ready for this. I don't want to remember how foolish I was, the madness that consumed me, and how dark I choose to become to know the light. This dark night of the soul almost took my mind.

So many dark gods wanted me to be their consort, so many people lost their souls and my spell backfired to close the crack in the astral plane; but the astral plane is still falling and I can't mend the rupture. Therefore, everything we have denied is returning to us; the astral parasites are going to have a field day with our consciousness if we don't move into a love vibration; shades of those who have passed on will be feeding off people's life force and thoughtforms will anchor into our aura creating all types of problems if we don't move into forgiveness and listen to our heart. The time of the Goddess is now; and the Shadows conspire to keep her true message from everyone. The teachings have been distorted; and the Hidden Ones have manipulated many scenarios so they can feed off of our consciousness. And I wanted to stop it; but I am one person; my family thought I had been given drugs, friends thought I was crazy; psychics said my energy was to alien to decipher and a few friends said they had been waiting for me to awaken. Maybe it is true; the Protectors are here; maybe it is true I will ascend into a Light Body. Maybe it is true I will eventually evolve into a planet, a universe and beyond that.

Yet, the worst still is the dark gods are returning. The Ancient Ones are waking up. And I worry that I am choosing Death over Life. And how am I to battle a planet of dark sorcerers?

I just wanted a singing career and a boy toy boyfriend; not to become some celestial warrior that is ascending into Diva-hood. Thanks to that passing of the spirit ceremony, I've been turned inside out / upside down."

"Someone is on a mental rampage. I thought we weren't going to invite ourselves to another pity party," said The Voice.

"Ah, another voice interrupts. You guys never give me a name. If I didn't know better, I'd think my mind has developed another crack but I sense you're not just a figment of my imagination and I'm not drunk yet."

"I am one who travels with you that you cannot see consciously until your mind is ready to perceive."

"More mind games. My mind has become like a channel for every disincarnate, every lost god, every weeping soul who wants to tune into me and make their own theater drama inside me. I'm not anyone's reality but my own, okay. Someone has already stretched my consciousness like taffy."

"You got what you could handle. You're here."

"Am I really? I look in the mirror and I don't recognize that person. I don't want to start crying. Lord knows I cried for almost forty days."

"Becoming a god is very difficult."

"I didn't ask to become another mythology."

"You are Creation, many spirits and demons have played games with your mind to influence you. Even as we speak, you are at war within. Heaven is battling for its salvation and ascension. The war in Heaven will not be of flesh but of spirit."

"I've looked inside. It's very messy. Demons come from the left - Beings of light from the right - And things I can't describe dropping in from above or rising up from below and everyone wants my attention. I don't want to look inside. There is a traffic jam and I'm not a traffic cop. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know. I want to be out of the business of becoming a god. I'm just going to be normal now. Have a life. Get a boyfriend. This dark night of the soul crap has played its last stage performance in my mind."

"There is a unity of darkness gathering from the Earth plane as you are falling into a time of remembrance; and therefore, you will be attacked on many levels because the remembrance will take you to that vibration. You were not afraid of the power you were using in New York. Don't be afraid now. The key is a God continuously evolve. The only limit is man's perception. Becoming aware is the only way you will ascend. You must also be aware that there are others like you who will awake, some will make it, others will not."

"This is way too much information. I didn't ask for all of this, okay. And I'm tired of you guys playing up my fears. I'm not that special. And I'm not in the mood to face my three big fears: loneliness, abandonment and being homeless," Michael said swallowing some tears and chasing them down with some cold tea.

It was noon, the sun was high. As he looked out the window from his San Francisco apartment on Golden Gate between Pierce and Steiner; he watched people walking by as if nothing out the ordinary was happening. Traffic was loud and congested. In all appearances, it seemed normal. But no one realizes the layers of reality that he had witnessed. He never wanted to come to San Francisco. The Atlantean energy was anchored there. A portal had open for demons to enter. Mindset was close to entering this dimension and he didn't know how to close the doors. His Vampire Lover was scheduled to arrive. He was addicted to the dark side of sex. Ghosts, aliens and things he couldn't name disturbed his sleep. And still he had no boyfriend and the current hairstyle was not making him feel attractive.

People moved about like notes in a rock song; moved about like components in a computer; moved about like characters in a script and if he looked into their eyes; most times it was someone else looking out of them and not the person he was looking at; and people moved about not aware of the things that sat on their shoulders whispering in their ears. He was not ready to be an Uthra.

"People are not ready for this sort of revelation. But the quickening could cause them madness which would send them to another reality and not be able to ascend to the higher vibration. Why me Father, why me? I'm not exactly the cat's meow in this world?"

"You have felt abandoned through many incarnations and have fallen because of your denials. Acceptance is within. Look to the Heart for healing."

"That is why the Vampire could manipulate me. That is why others came through promising to be the protector of my heart. That is why I wanted to die to save Lazarus."

"Your loneliness centers on the idea you are separated from the One. You are the perfect feminine consciousness in a male form."

"And I was treated like the last whore. Every dark thought I ever had was exposed. So many dark forces were attempting to use my fears to seduce me, control me, and enslaved me. I became different entities for them." He shudders. "My passion went to extreme because of the Venus influence."

"Your loneliness/separation is because you fragmented yourself into so many beings so that they would experience you and this has diminished you greatly."

"And I had to imprison that one annoying Old God to stop him from interfering."

"There is more than one."

"I learn that the hard way."

He held the cold tea cup in his hand and imagined his hands getting warmer and warmer until he saw steam rise from the cup. "Maybe my madness is the first glimpse of being really sane in an insane world. I can't stop the Anti-Christ; that drama is so encoded; he's already born. And as I've been warned; not to interfere; move at a different vibration. The apocalypse; no one has truly understood that. The aliens are coming back to fix the mess they created. I'm in love with someone who isn't human. I'm not having a good time."

A breeze passed through the room, and he heard voices wrap around him, "Uthra rise, Uthra rise. Uthra take us to the light. We are Mu's. We sing to you. Uthra take us to the light."

Interior monologue. I remember how I wandered through the streets of New York giving light to lost spirits so they would not be lost souls in the underworld which pissed off the city Egregore. I was opening passageways for them to escape; helping them to cross over to places where their love ones could come for them; and help release those who had taken on demonic forms.

I separated a part of my consciousness when I couldn't accept being an Uthra and having an alien Father. I have always felt rejected by humans, since I walk to a different rhythm and have felt like other beings were staring out of my eyes. I almost destroyed my physical form attempting to end this dark night. That lonely feeling is still overwhelming as I still think my escape is suicide but I will not do it – not yet anyway. There is just so much my mind can contain at this level.

I shudder when I think of how I was left in the darkness during the first war between the light and the dark - so many of us were abandoned.

I've tried suicide. After countless harassment and put downs by my brother one particular incident pushed me over the edge when he told me he hated me and wished I wasn't his brother. I remember thinking I never did fit into this family. It seemed I woke up and I was here and kept trying to figure out why. I always thought I was supposed to be somewhere else and kept looking for an answer. I was taking a bottle of aspirins when my father walked into the bathroom. I told him I had a headache. He looked at me suspiciously and told me to go back to bed and took the pills from me and waited until I left the bathroom. I remember sleeping a long time the next day. I also remember there was a brilliant light that came to me and told me it wasn't time to go home.

Another time in Los Angeles, I was holding a butcher knife after Lazarus broke up with me. My hand was ready to cut my wrist. I laid the knife on the skin. I remember praying to God to take my life. I wasn't having fun with it. If I could have a night of sleep without crying over Lazarus, than let Christ do as he pleases.

Suicide has plagued me most of my life until I started evolving into Uthra. Even as a child I have tried to drive off into the river, have a car accident, destroy myself through alcohol, drugs, and bad sex because I didn't want to be in this world. I've cried so many nights wondering why God created something hideous as me.

I am angry for being left behind in a darkness that didn't know light. To be consumed and the fears that arose out of me became so many things that have imprisoned me and I became a shadow to those fears as they fed off my light; my power and lost so much consciousness in manifested fears.

I sometimes look in the mirror and cry because I thought I was so hideous to look at that's why I was left here in this form. I kept crying to go home. I didn't understand why I have to be in this life. My body is human. My consciousness is alien. I've been so desperate to act human. My dark night in New York surfaced what I have always felt; I am exiled on this planet.

This body is male. I'm not male. I'm not a woman. I am neither but I have to be one; but I waver back and forth in gender. I don't like being contained in either one. The war between the genders have kept me a prisoner in time; and time is the pain; the lament of the Goddess. Her agony, her exile has bound her within her fears. And now, I am living the drama of an exiled Goddess.

I survived the Uthra saga. But I'm still plagued by memories. And the sexual degradation I am subjecting myself to lately makes it seem like my celestial history is repeating itself. I still believe in this fairy tale where some man is going to rescue me from the tower. I should be concerned what life will be like outside the tower. Got this thought of being in a tower, in a dark city, and my feet are rooted to the ground. The tower makes me think of a phallus. I am thinking I am also Death, yet the power of Death holds the seed of life – gee I need to stop this train of thoughts.