CHAPTER SEVEN

"Men parade me as if I was this in-between creature that could ravish both sides of their being. I feel like I am stranded on an emotional cliff."

Excerpt from the unpublished manuscript, "The Michael Memoirs"

Marie was a spiritual teacher in Michael's life. She was a woman that was like a mother, a friend and a lover - non-sexual though. She was beyond anyone he ever met; a woman in his eyes who always sat on a throne.

Marie and Michael's favorite Saturday eatery was "It's Good Enough Too Eat" on the Upper West Side in New York. It was small, intimate, an artistic atmosphere which seem to neon across everybody's forehead ‘artist in residence.' Overheard conversations were intense, revealing and he had his moments of embarrassment when the waiters or other patrons would eavesdrop on him. But what was important was this was the only restaurant that he had found to Marie's liking.

They had met in Los Angeles; she was visiting a next door neighbor. She introduced him to the spirit world. Her daily attire was African dresses, hairstyle and carried her self like a queen. She had taught him a snake dance. She had given him readings with gypsy tarot cards. She told him he would be called into this life. He always thought jokingly, "I prefer if a man was calling." She eventually left Los Angeles to continue her career as a nightclub singer with her young boyfriend and he continued pursuing earthly delights.

"So I'm reading this book, "The Goddess in Every Woman." It's interesting the power of the feminine energy and how we allow male illusions to thwart the majesty of the female being."

"Interesting you should say that. I've always felt women have been men's whores too long. Look at the way they dress. Self-expression must be tempered with responsibility. It's blasphemy. They usurp their womanhood to be an extension of a man's thoughts," Marie responded.

"This may sound silly but there are times I feel more woman than man. Not saying I want to be a drag queen but I feel more attuned to the female consciousness. I don't think this make me gay."

"There are a lot of men who are like that but are afraid to acknowledge it because they are afraid of ridicule. Being a woman is not a state of helplessness."

"There is power. I call it often." Michael smiled. He wanted to sort of hide this statement from Marie but she was a spiritualist. He knew she would understand. "I remember things you tell me," he continued. "After you taught me that snake dance, and I kept fumbling it, one night I went out dancing, the drums in the song started working me and the next thing I know, I was doing the dance, and it seemed so natural. I was so immersed into it. I was oblivious to my surroundings. Now when I go out dancing, I always dance low to the ground and image that I'm calling energy from the Mother. The whole concept of the Mother Earth fascinates me. It scares me to because it is like I'm finding a truth theologians have tried to deny and abort that part of the light consciousness that is within us. I even approach things and interpret a situation from a feminine perspective.

"It's interesting how aware you are of the female consciousness."

"Certain books that I've been drawn to, seem to scream yes, yes awaken her in you. She's been sleeping so long. Until we accept the Goddess is Creation, mankind is lost. Men want to drag her off the pedestal and beat her down into a sexual, mental and physical slave. God knows, I've played out that drama so many times. Maybe I'm doing that substitute woman thing without thinking consciously about it, giving men space to work out their frustrations. I have felt like I've been raped by so many men because they see the woman in me. It attracts them as well as repel. Men, who want to touch me and do the nasty, don't care about me. They feel their getting both worlds. I tell you Marie, afterwards I lay there clawing and scratching at myself to get out of this body. I hear this little girl in me crying. She holds a broken doll. She keeps looking for someone to fix it. Both she and the doll are like fragments that need to be glued back together. She sits in this dark corner of my heart. She's crying. I wish I could reach in sometimes and hold her, tell her it'll be all right. I love her. But she listens like me, to often to a man's heartbeat. She dances off beat before her visits to herself. Here I am rattling of at the mouth. Anyway I'm still going in circles about Lazarus. Every time I talk to him about us, I find myself like a widow dressed in black, walking around beating my chest. Need some bright colors. Guess I'm desperate for a new wardrobe. Maybe you should give me a reading to see if there is life after Lazarus. I feel like I've condemned myself to be the ground I will bury myself in."

"You have the power to read yourself. You have the gift, just use it carefully. Selfish gains can bring retributions."

"You keep saying that but I never see it. Anyway, it's aggravating, Lazarus doesn't want me; yet, we are sexually compatible. He's not tired of that but out of bed that tongue of his is like a whip. The back is scarred, you know what I mean but when he kisses me, oh well."

"We create our own reality."

"Why would I create this intentionally?"

"Maybe there's a part of you, you don't want to acknowledge."

"No, I think I'm all here. Wouldn't it be frightful if there were parts of me running around somewhere?

Marie laughed. "Michael you are so funny."

"Why does love hurt?"

"Love doesn't hurt. Illusions hurt."

"I've been with this illusion for five years."

"You never say anything nice about Lazarus anymore. It seems you want to martyr yourself in this situation. Notice I said situation and not relationship."

"Speak English."

"Maybe the anger you're feeling is centered in you because of you. Lazarus is just a scapegoat."

"I find that a bit hard to chew, swallow, and dissipate."

"Truth can hurt when we don't live at a point of truth."

Silence crowned Michael. He started picking at his food. She's wrong he thought. Why does she have to be a know it all? I know things to. I do. I do. What do I really feel? Self-examination is not a criterion for a happy smile. I'm not going to like unlocking those doors that have been so secured. I can't.

"You can," Marie said responding to his mental wanderings.

"There is no Kansas in Lazarus's smile and I don't think I'm ready for Oz."

Pause. "By the way, I have a new dream for you. In this dream I was being attacked by some force that was in my grandmother's house."

"Michael you have such strange dreams and always something new to tell me. This is why I like having breakfast with you."

He smiled at her from his heart. He felt so much love for her and prayed always the Goddess would find favor with her.

"Anyway, I'm standing in the driveway near the side door to my grandmother's house. I knew though it looked like my grandmother's house, it wasn't. It was a mental construct. How I knew that I wasn't sure. Anyway, we sometimes used the front porch but my grandmother preferred to keep it secure. Anyway I tried to approach the house but some force was holding me back. Several people came up behind me. I pulled out a deck of tarot cards. The people huddle around me to look at the cards. The picture seemed to come to life. I flicked the cards in the air and they flew into the air spiraling until they created a magnetic effect and the force that had stopped me from approaching was drawn up into the cards. As I stepped forward the side door flew open. A cold chill walked out to greet me. My inner eye sensed an unknown presence was watching from the belly of the house. I reached down and drew energy from the Mother Earth and bolts of psionic energy were released from my fingertips shattering the cold chill into pieces. I then enveloped myself in an eight fold flame as a green light became like sandals upon my feet. "Behold that which is the darkest part of my family that binds them to this dark world. I come to save their souls and destroy this house, this monument that is a blasphemy against the Father. Behold all power is in my hand as has been ordained by the Father." I became pure light that burst into a flame that went sweeping through the house burning down every organ, vein in the house until I found its dark heart staring at me."

"You will be one within me," the dark heart spoke.

"Those that go against the Word of the Father shall no longer hold the souls that cry to the Father for redemption. Woe unto those spirits spawned in the fires of a hell. I will strike them with this sword of light and all that is unholy in the eyes of the Father shall perish."

Tentacles reached out from this heart as its one eye was dripping blood. Fragments of the souls of family members from generations upon generations were encased in its flesh. I heard their screams.

"Behold the Living Word of the Father," I said as I felt a power rush from me as I uttered a sound. There was an explosion that seemed like creation was erupting at the seams, destroying the fabric of this plane of existence. The fragmented spirits went hurtling toward a light that appeared above. I knew they were going into the light to be healed before they merge with their other selves. Strange dream don't you think."

Marie sat silent. Should she tell him she thought.

"You think it'll make a great sci-fi movie?"

"Michael, don't down play your spiritual journey. There are many truths you will experience that will frighten many. You must prepare for a change, a revelation that is to come. You will be more than you think you are. Transform your humanity and take the crown of your divinity. Accept you are a spiritual being on a human journey and prepare for your ascension. You shall journey across the bridge to the spirit world more than a mortal and in a body you have not comprehend."

"Marie, are you okay. What's happening?"

"Behold the Word of the Father lives in you and rises to take you to a higher realm. You are the Way; the children of light want to go home."

"Marie?"

"What! I...I don't know what came over me. It felt like a gentle wind just lifted me up inside. I was bejeweled in lights seeing all but not consciously seeing. It was incredible."

"Your voice changed."

"And so shall you. Chosen One of the Father," said a voice from within him. Michael sat still for a moment. I didn't hear that he thought.

"Things like that happen sometimes," Marie continued not hearing the voice speaking from within Michael. "As a mystic, many times spirits will come and tell you things but be cautious of them getting to over eager. I sense you'll get the hang of it. You know Michael, as a spiritualist, it is not only that you help people to the light, pray and help the spirits that are lost, heal people when they come to you; and you must heal the transgressions against yourself too."

"I know. I've been doing these meditations, some affirmations. I'm not sure."

"Let your heart speak!"

"I wonder will I ever have it together like you."

"I'm still learning."

His heart spoke to him only. "There will be a time when you must choose, separate paths that will break the rules. Do not be swayed by all you hear, listen to the heart and know Christ is near."

He didn't respond. He was thinking to himself, "I didn't hear that."

He focused his attention back to Marie. "Guess I'm carrying too much Lazarus baggage. It seems to be the dominate thought in mind. I keep waiting for me to sing inside, "Free at last, free at last!"

"You know all you have to do is go within and find the answers. You are a mystic," Marie said.

"It's easier said than done. You were born doing this. I just stepped into it weeks ago. I can't see where I can do the things or even understand. I'm still afraid of things that go bump in the night. I'm not sure if this is really me or I'm playing at it or if it's real or not real."

"You are a spiritual being Michael. This flesh is a prison, an illusion to what we truly are. We are bound to this earth because we went against the light force within and without. You must choose to be of service to others or be of service to self and be served to others for their intentions."

"What if I don't have the right credentials?"

Marie gave him a stern look.

"I know - a bad joke. So what am I really loosing? This is not exactly a Fourth of July celebration in my life anyway. I don't know what it all entails but I'd rather be of service to others."

"The power is within."

"Within what?"

I asked one day. What am I to do? My consciousness travels through so many dimensions. I am creating my own myths. Still I ask myself, can I? Walking in Central Park around the reservoir with Maria, I felt this calmness overcome me and it was as if my eyes were looking through many doorways and I saw a hand rising up through the cosmos; and on that hand, I sat dressed in celestial attire looking out over creation and at the tip of each finger and thumb was an eye. Later the message was brought to me through a voice, by a passage in a book, by an inner awareness, "I am as a pearl in the hand of God shining his light, his love to heal the darkness in my creations."